Saturday, January 14, 2012

a new year, a fresh start.

*refreshing breath* I smell a great year ahead.

So (as most of you know) my last term (Fall 2011) was not really an enjoyable one for me.  I think I got into a bit of a "Sophomore slump" as they call it.  Or, perhaps it was just that philosophy sucked.  like a lot.  no, seriously.


Let's just say that I was feeling less than inspired.  I knew I was trying, but I just couldn't muster those passionate feelings for school.  I started to question why I was taking what I was taking, where I wanted to live, where I wanted to work...  I mean, I guess it's pretty normal.  But I did not enjoy it.  I am a very practical, planned, cautious person.  It's not that I don't like spontaneity/the whole 'roll with it' type of attitude 'per se', but it sometimes makes me feel really nervous.  I am a bit of a control freak.  Yup, I said it.  So when I think I've come to a decision about something, but then I start to question and doubt tends to stress me out a bit.  Which brings me to my new years 'resolution' if you will.

Instead of compiling a list of things I should do or do better; such as: working out x amount of times per week, eating healthier/snacking less...blah blah blah...  I need to focus on something much more inner this year.  I need to learn to let go, enjoy life/moments, and try my best but let it go if it's not quite as high as the bar I set.

I've come to the realization that I am never going to be truly happy if I can't truly just let myself enjoy life.  I tend to start out feeling passionate and creative (at the start of a job/school) and then it winds up taking over my life so completely that I feel like all I'm doing is working/teaching piano/going to school/doing something related to school or home life.  In other words, I miss seeing my friends and family now and again.  I miss painting.  I miss reading.

It's not that I'm not enjoying my life or that I totally hated 2011.  But I just wasn't feeling that inspired passion for life.  Know what I mean?

I went to visit my 'sister-friend' Natalie and adorable nieces and nephew the week after new years.  I'm not gonna lie, it really tired me out.  I was super happy to visit them and help out, but man.  It was not what I had envisioned motherhood to be.  Not in bad way.  But it was just a lot busier and more hectic than I ever thought it would be.  Granted, the kids are 3yo, 2yo, and 1yo.  But still.  It takes a LOT of energy to keep kids entertained.  They don't enjoy one activity for all that long.  Think about it.  How long could you really play with play-dough for?  Or paint/draw... You might spend 2-3hours continuously maybe?  Maybe more, but what I'm getting at is: short attention span.  Plus, kids don't talk in perfect sentences.  They point and talk gibberish and then you have to figure out what they are yelling about (lol).  I love those munchkins to pieces, but man... it takes a lot of patience to try and reason with young kids, keep them happy/fed/changed......  I honestly have a new respect for parenthood.  It really is a marvel that the human race has survived.  I want to be a mom one day, and I always have.  But it definitely woke me up a little bit.  It made me really think about the important things in life.  If you have kids, you need to have patience and let little things go.  Learn to accept that the house can't be 100% perfectly clean and organized every single day (etc...).

"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" can be a daily little reminder maybe.  Or something.  I'm still trying to get organized for the new year...

I wound up catching a cold over the weekend when I got home.  I felt it coming on...planes/weather/kids/cold season... I'm always bound to catch something.  Dratted immune system.  [side note:  apparently Dr. Oz says Elderberry Extract is great to boost the immune system].  So...I wound up being wiped out by the cold this week.  I had to teach piano, and I just couldn't make it to school & piano, so I had to miss basically the whole first week.  I went on Thursday to my monkey classes though, and boy oh boy did it feel great to be discussing something I'm actually interested in and understand!! *huge sigh of relief*

Ah well... they go over the course outlines the first class.  And all 4 of my classes post lecture notes, so hurrah!  I finally feel that 'look forward to classes/learning' feeling again.  Geez... So, I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.  It wasn't in my control really.  I wouldn't have gotten anything out of the classes if I had of been there anyways.

I always feel like I have to justify myself to others.  I think it stems from that stupid cult, but anyhow.  I need to learn to love myself for real -- the bad and good.  I always talk about all these positive things, but I think I'm just started to realize what that actually looks/feels like.

I always had all these dreams/fantasies about living in another country.  I always thought I wanted to leave Canada.  I thought maybe Paris.  Maybe San Francisco.  But then I started asking myself why.  I started trying to picture what that would actually look like in reality, and it's not really me after all.

There are some exciting things going on soon & soon-ish:

Gavin and I are moving in together (eek! haha...).

We are going to have a 'creative corner/oasis' where there will be G's drum set, my piano (in June), my easel and paint stuff (some of which I still need to buy).  i can finally play my piano more than like once in a blue moon (because i don't like playing, personally, in either studio really).  and I can finally paint again!  and maybe do encaustic!  we shall see.

i want to grow some flowers and veggies this spring.  and actually *gasp* enjoy the Summer a bit.  I just want to stay home (in calgary) and enjoy the outdoors.  go hiking/biking... not work myself to death for more money that i just spend anyways.

In June we are going to Malibu for a friends wedding, and staying in an awesome house by the beach with friends and I can surf oh my goodness i'm so excited and yes i know this is a very bad run on sentence.

Natalie and Justin are getting married and the kids are going to look so cute!

Jed and Stephanie are Architects in Berlin; working on projects, taking awesome photos, and travelling the world (i live vicariously through steph a little, who wouldn't?).  I want to see them during Eurotrip 2013 at least!

I am going to go study monkeys.  In Ghana I hope.

I am going to apply to Canadian law schools (hopefully)

Eurotrip 2013!

Ok... I know, I day at a time/live in the moment.  It's part of my new years resolution, so i'll stop that now.

But I see this being a great year.  A year where i find some better balance.  a year where hopefully the world finds better balance.

Ok.  I finally feel like i'm starting to catch up on life.  I have been so restless and anxious lately with being sick... I like to be all organized before school (OCD? lol).  But it will all be great.

Good night.  Love you all!

[Note to self:  I must post a video I took of the kids soon!  It's so cute!]

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